Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I would like to introduce you to Timmy on the right, and Eddie, below. They are very sweet little dogs owned by my brother and my sister-in-law, and they live with all of us in Derry, NH. As you can see from a quick viewing, these dogs are not Idiots. However, they are living in a world
where Idiots abound, and they are not happy about it. Especially Eddie.
Earlier this summer, I was making daily trips between Lowell, MA and Derry as I moved from one place to the other, and as I toodled in my Sentra off the Exit 4 ramp, I would be greeted by two huge stores, both of which sported huge signs reading FIREWORKS! Two stores. Within 100 yards of each other. Each store selling FIREWORKS. I knew I was not in Kansas anymore. Or, maybe I was, I have no idea what the FIREWORKS situation is in Kansas.
Anyway....back to the doggies. These little guys are just the best tempered animals you could ever want to meet. Loving and playful and almost always silent. Just...perfect pets. Until the Idiots interfere.
Okay, so, you're a guy. And you're an Idiot. You're looking for something to enliven your dreary summer. Your options are few, because of the Idiocy. I mean, let's face it, you're not planning trips to Tanglewood or the Williamstown Theatre Festival. The Red Sox are wallowing around .500 and there haven't been any new episodes of COPS for weeks. What's a fella to do? Well, that's simple. A fella goes to one (or maybe both) of the TWO stores in town selling FIREWORKS, and he loads a shopping cart full of things that blow up and make a lot of noise. Because what else will enliven a calm and balmy summer's evening better than a shopping cart full of things that blow up and make a lot of noise?
So you get home and you unpack your goodies and you go out in the back yard and you wait until after 10pm, because what good is blowing up stuff early in the evening when everybody in the neighborhood is AWAKE? Ten o'clock rolls around and BOOM BITTY BANG BANG you are off and running, lighting up your firecrackers and cherry bombs and whatever the hell else it is you put on your debit card that rocks the audible universe. (I apologize for knowing no technical terms for the things that blow up and make noise, but my Idiocy is in another area altogether.) The night is alive with snaps, with crackles, with pops and with ungodly booms. Your summer is enlivened. Good for you!
I ask you (the reader, not the Idiot) now to scroll back to the top of this entry and re-introduce yourself to Eddie and Timmy. They live in a neighborhood where these noisemakers live. And the following is my interpretation of what they are "saying" to each other as they try to relax in their previously quiet little home. Anything below in small letters is a growl. Capital letters denote barking.
Scene: Eddie and Timmy sit in the living room, enjoying the blissful peace of a summer evening. Then...
Timmy: Oh, Jesus. Oh, what was that? Oh, Jesus. Oh, crap.
Eddie: WTF WAS THAT SHIT?
Timmy: Oh boy. Oh, boy. Not good. Not a happy thing. Bad stuff. Oh, boy. Bad shit going down.
Eddie: COME ON! LET'S GO TO THE WINDOW!!!
Timmy: Really? You think we should do that? All the way to the window? Closer to where the shit is?
Eddie: COME ON!!!!
They leap onto the sofa and look out the window.
Eddie: Okay, nothing. No more whatever that was.
Timmy: You think it's over, Eddie? You really think? Jeez, I hope so. Boy, that was god awful whatever that was.
Eddie: Ssh! Listen. Listen. (beat) Nothing.
Timmy: Okay. Good. Whew. Glad it was nothing.
Eddie: WTF??? WTF????!!!
Timmy: Oh, Christ! Oh, CHRIST! We're gonna die. I know we're gonna die!
Eddie: W. T. F??????????
Timmy: And I don't even know what dying is!
Eddie: COME ON, LET'S GO TO THE BACK DOOR!
Eddie: MAYBE WE CAN GET OUTSIDE AND ATTACK IT!
Timmy: Attack what?
Eddie: HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW, ATTACK WHAT? LET'S JUST GO. WE CAN'T STAY HERE ON THE COUCH.
Timmy: Oh, Jeez, okay...Oh, Jeez...Oh, boy...
They leap off the sofa and race to the back screen door.
Eddie: OKAY, WHOEVER YOU ARE OUT THERE, STOP THIS SHIT OR WE'LL COME OUT AND BEAT THE CRAP OUTA YOU!
Timmy: Oh, Eddie, do you really think that's a good idea, I mean, maybe they'll get madder and just...
BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!
Okay, you get the idea. I know nobody who reads this blog of mine is an Idiot, so I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but, my GOD...is there anything less productive, less constructive, and more dehumanizing than going out in your friggin' backyard POINTLESSLY setting off firecrackers and cherry bombs and other BOOMING things in the middle of the night and scaring the bejesus out of sweet little dogs?
Anyway...if you run across any Idiots who might benefit from reading this, please pass it along.